By Gabor Mate
Heather selected this one for our book club. I listened to it again in preparation for that discussion. With an audiobook, it’s harder to grab specific quotations that stand out. I appreciate the acknowledgement of “little t trauma” and challenges that would apply to people who would describe their childhood as good. I relate to this. I had loving family who provided me with food, shelter, safety, and supported my learning and enjoyment of life. Still, there were elements that programmed some things into my operating system that I’d like to refactor. I didn’t feel heard or understood. This is apparent with my top recurring dream being me yelling at my parents. They didn’t seem curious to talk about how I actually think and feel. They wanted me to fit into a mold of “good kid” and didn’t get much deeper than that. I think I mostly fit the mold. I got good grades, avoided trouble, saved my money, etc. Still, it felt like any slip in those areas (like a bad grade) threatened my spot. On some level, I’m still trying to show the world that I’m the good kid and that I’m worthy of love because of my good kid behaviors. That’s not bad. There are certainly much worse outcomes. My therapist and I have talked about that. She once said “You’re basically the best-case scenario for this type of upbringing” while acknowledging that it comes with feelings of loneliness and disconnection. I don’t want to stop doing good things. As my wife would say: “Doing good is good.” I do want to stop feeling such pressure to hit the mark and shame when I’m not everything I thought I was supposed to be.
Leading into Pat’s Run this year, I had a dream where I appreciated the beauty of the sunny morning and embraced that it was a lovely day to run around with a bunch of people outside. I thought that I should just appreciate the day and the joy of the activity. The dream really stuck with me and I tried to connect to it as much as possible during the run. I kept looking towards the morning sun coming up over Tempe and trying to remind myself that appreciating the experience was the real goal. I don’t know the exact count of Pat’s Runs that I’ve participated in. It’s close to 20. Maybe 3 of those have been completed without a panic attack somewhere along the way. This was one of them. I had a short battle with my old self at the end where I checked my time and felt some disappointment that I wasn’t faster. I reminded myself that faster was not the point. Next year, I’ll avoid any timing at all. Some smarter version of me also realized that the Pat’s Run experience is a metaphor for my whole life. I’m timing my whole life and kinda freaking out as I do it. I could instead soak up the sunshine and jog around Tempe with an appreciation for the experience. That’s way easier to type than it is to live, but I’m working on it.
Lastly, I’ve thought recently about why I don’t have kids and never wanted to have kids. Honestly, I think it’s because my parents didn’t make it seem like a good thing for them. If I asked them directly, I’m sure they would say that they’re happy they had kids, that they’re proud of us, etc. However, my memory of childhood is more of being a challenge. I was aware that I was an expense, a chore, an obligation, and that I was frequently ungrateful for all of that. I don’t know if my parents ever actually said “one day when you have a kid…” but I have that concept in my head somehow and it’s always negative. It’s karmic retribution for being difficult. I have no memories and not even a vague feeling of “one day, when you have kids, you’ll experience the joy/love/pride/whatever” positive side of the story. It was only obligation and work. Why would I want that?