by Keith J. Hayward
This book was ok. I think there are valid concerns within it. Still, Hayward came across as a bit of a joyless curmudgeon. It felt like every simple joy was shameful and bad for not being adult enough. Further, it felt light on data. Cherry-picked extreme examples were used to represent the general population. I think it was Hope For Cynics or Good Reasonable People that covered how much people misperceive how extreme others views are. People are generally more centered and sane than we all think. Hayward seemed to lean into the far edges and suggest that everyone is a nut. There are nuts out there. Young adults are struggling. I don’t think the concept is without merit, but he didn’t convince me that this is the primary problem of our time (as Bowling Alone did more successfully about community).
A thing that Bowling Alone and The Upswing did explicitly, that this and other books have done poorly is a longer rewind. A lot of the doomsaying about our current condition describes things that have changed/declined since the middle of the 20th century. Why is that the only history worth considering? Life milestones (home ownership, moving away from the family, sex, marriage, children, education, etc.) have shifted earlier or later in the average American’s life since the 1950s or 1960s. That doesn’t tell us much about where any of those averages should be. Families used to stay together more, with more generations living together. In some places, that separation is lamented. In this book, the lack of separation is considered a failure. Before considering it as a crisis, I’d like the changes to be examined on a larger time scale. I listened to the audiobook, so it’s tough to pin down the quote, but at some point I seem to recall the author noting that it is one of the safest times to be alive, but the infantalized populous overreacts to non-threats or mild threats. Perhaps these two things can’t be separated? What if our decline in violence is tied to the same psychological changes that are driving all of the embarrassing behavior? Do we want more grown ups, being serious and severe if that preserves historical levels of violence? Maybe it’s better if some people play video games.
Infantilised: How Our Culture Killed Adulthood by Keith J. Hayward argues that contemporary Western culture has systematically undermined adulthood by promoting childlike values, behaviors, and identities well into later life. The book blends cultural theory, sociology, and critique of consumer capitalism.
Here are the key ideas:
1. Adulthood Has Been Hollowed Out
Hayward argues that adulthood once implied:
- Responsibility
- Self-restraint
- Moral seriousness
- Long-term commitment
Modern culture, by contrast, treats adulthood as something to delay, soften, or avoid. Maturity is no longer aspirational; youthfulness is.
2. Consumer Culture Encourages Permanent Adolescence
Markets thrive on impulsivity, novelty, and desire rather than restraint. As a result:
- Adults are encouraged to behave like children—seeking pleasure, excitement, and constant stimulation
- Responsibility is reframed as boring or oppressive
- Consumption replaces character as a marker of identity
The “good citizen” becomes a good consumer, not a morally grounded adult.
3. Infantilisation Is Structural, Not Just Personal
Hayward emphasizes that this is not simply about individuals being immature. Instead:
- Institutions, media, and corporations actively reward childlike traits
- Risk is minimized, choice is curated, and complexity is simplified
- People are shielded from consequences while being endlessly entertained
This creates dependency rather than autonomy.
4. Authority and Moral Confidence Have Weakened
The decline of adulthood also means:
- Reluctance to exercise authority (especially in parenting, education, and leadership)
- Fear of judgment, discipline, or moral claims
- Preference for therapeutic language (“feelings,” “trauma,” “validation”) over ethical responsibility
Adults increasingly act as peers to children rather than guides.
5. Infantilisation Serves Power
According to Hayward, infantilised populations are:
- Easier to manage
- Less likely to challenge authority
- More emotionally reactive and politically volatile
While people are encouraged to feel expressive and “free,” their actual autonomy and agency are diminished.
6. Cultural Consequences
The loss of adulthood leads to:
- Fragile identities
- Heightened anxiety and resentment
- Political polarization driven by emotion rather than deliberation
- A culture obsessed with safety, offense, and validation
In short, society becomes louder, angrier, and less capable of self-governance.
In the final chapter of Infantilised, Hayward closes with a practical, normative agenda—ten broad commitments aimed at rebuilding adulthood as a cultural ideal. The items are not “self-help tips” so much as civic and moral reorientations. Condensed and paraphrased, the ten are:
1. Reclaim Adulthood as a Positive Ideal
Stop treating adulthood as a loss of freedom or joy. Maturity should again be understood as something to aspire to, not something to evade.
2. Reassert Responsibility Over Comfort
Resist the cultural prioritization of ease, safety, and emotional cushioning. Growth requires exposure to difficulty, risk, and consequence.
3. Restore Moral Language
Move beyond purely therapeutic or emotional vocabularies. Adults must be willing to speak in terms of right and wrong, not just feelings and harm.
4. Accept Authority and Exercise It Legitimately
Adults—especially parents, teachers, and leaders—must stop apologizing for authority and instead use it responsibly, clearly, and confidently.
5. Delay Gratification and Embrace Self-Restraint
Counter consumer culture’s celebration of impulse by valuing patience, discipline, and moderation as adult virtues.
6. Treat Children as Future Adults, Not Permanent Children
Raise and educate young people with the goal of independence and resilience, not perpetual protection or emotional management.
7. Rebuild Seriousness in Public Life
Politics, education, and culture should reward reasoned debate, long-term thinking, and responsibility, rather than outrage and spectacle.
8. Resist the Infantilising Pull of Consumer Culture
Be skeptical of markets that sell identity, pleasure, and validation while discouraging commitment, depth, and obligation.
9. Accept Limits—Personal and Social
Adulthood involves recognizing that not everything is possible, safe, or customizable. Limits are formative, not oppressive.
10. Model Adulthood Through Action
Cultural change happens less through slogans than through example. Adults must live maturity visibly—through conduct, restraint, and care for others.